That Loving Feeling

   I work third shift at a hotel. And seeing as though there is a blizzard taking place outside of these
 walls and im stuck here I am bored senseless. I was sitting in the back office watching the movie "He's Just Not That Into You". As I sat there weeping when Ben Affleck proposed to Jeniffer Aniston it made me realize two things. The first being that regardless of how strong I may seem or try to believe that I am, I am really just a hopeless romantic, the thought of  which makes me sick to my stomach. I am a thirty four year old woman, shouldn't I have grown out of this Disney Princess mentality about love? The second thing it made me realize was that with all the games & signs & mixed signals that we experience during this senseless act known as dating its a wonder any of us ever make it down the aisle!

   Call me a fool but what would be soo terrible about meeting someone, feeling that spark and then and there making the decision to be together and love each other? With the divorce rate in this country lingering around 50% how much worse could it be if we didn't take the time to "know each other"? As if its ever really possible to know someone completely. Couples can be together twenty years and have their marriage end in divorce.

 We spend such a huge chunk of our lives searching for "The One", letting other equally important things in our lives fade into the background just so we can end up with a metal band around our finger to prove to the world that we are worthy of anothers love. How does that take precedent over the way you feel inside? I don't believe it should.

More Q Than A

  I have alot of questions in life that I am sure I will never get an answer to but none quite as perplexing as Why Am I Here? I think back on my childhood, young adult years & where I am currently in my life & I cant help but wonder why I was led up to this place in time? I hate it when I get to this point in my thought process because its a never ending circle of questions. Why am I single, why is it soo hard for me to reproduce, why have I struggled my entire life, why am I ambitious, why do I fall for losers, why do I have all these talents & gifts if its not meant for me to profit from them? 

  Then of course religion inevitably comes in to the equation  Why did God create me, who created God, what will happen when I die? Why do I keep asking myself these questions, then I realize how can I not? How can you be a living, thinking entity & not ask questions? Regardless of what your chasing in your own existence Everybody feels the need to fulfill themselves with some type of purpose. Maybe its being rich & powerful  being a parent, who knows, but everyone wants to be a part of something bigger than themselves & im no different. 

  My definition of a complete life & a fulfilled existence has transformed & evolved soo much over time that now its a big jumbled mess in my brain with no purpose or destination. I get all this energy & momentum out of no where then one day I wake up & im just working & paying bills. Im too old for that, I need to be making forward progress every single day until I reach or exceed my goals. 
  I typically have some type of summary by the end of my posts but I honestly just don't for this one. I have nothing but questions & no pearls of wisdom to give. I am in a state of confusion like everyone else when it comes to life's mysteries. 

Born Again..And Again..And Again

  When I was a child as I'm sure many people do I dreamed of the day when I would become an adult. When I was a teenager I dreamed of the day I would become an adult, then once adulthood came I longed to have my childhood back. As they say, the grass is always greener. I believe everybody always envisions their lives a certain way, an ideal existence. But as I've gotten older those dreamy ideals have been replaced with ice water in the face reality. One thing I have slowly come to accept is the misleading notions of happiness we witness on television, read about in books, hear about in songs, its not real, life and happiness don't really work that way.

   In reality happiness is learning from past transgressions and being sure not to make the same mistakes twice. Observing and becoming aware of your faults and short comings and tweaking them to make your self a better version of you. Acknowledging when you've won, like having family & friends who love you or going off to a job everyday that you don't despise. Accepting the fact that loss is inevitable. You will lose loved ones, friends, jobs, lovers, money, respect, dignity and all the other things that make life life. Once you reach a certain level of maturity, not age, you will come to accept loss. True happiness is just being mature enough to accept the things you can not change, changing the things you can for the better & being grateful for the small things.

   As time has past I have not only accepted growing older but I've become excited about it. I realize that everything in life, the good and the bad have led me to this point, led me to the woman I am and the woman I will always be. It seems like as the years go by every time I open my eyes I see things just a tad bit clearer. So keep looking and seeking your own version of happy but don't keep your peepers shut for too long because it can all be gone in the blink of an eye ; )

Soul Sista/Sister

I wonder why women are soo close to their girlfriends? I wonder if its because As a woman you have an incomparable bond with your best friends. You laugh, you cry, you fight & you shop. When you have really good friends its like you become one spirit, you can read eachother, you know eachothers moods. When I see my bestie theres an automatic feeling of taking a deep breath & exhaling because there are no walls, no bullshit, nothing standing in the way of our thoughts or feelings. We have shared soo much in the course of our friendships. Had soo many experiences, good & bad. Shes seen me be insecure, shes seen me fail & lifted me up when I had no desire or motivation to rise on my own. Its almost as if she owns pieces of me & my life & I hers. You can tell your best friend things you wouldnt even tell your spouse or shrink, she knows all your secrets. Thank you for the inside jokes, the late night binges, the support, but most of all Thank You For Being A Friend, I love you Leah, Brandi, Ashley & MoMo.

Dream Defered?

Ive been talking to my oldest neice alot lately about going back to school. Shes nineteen & I dont want her waisting her life. But she made a very keen observation yesterday that got me thinking alot about my own life path & which direction im moving in. She said You went to school & your still making minimum wage. How could I possibly argue my point because shes right! Ive known people with masters degrees & PHD's that couldnt find work. My position was that education can never be a waste of time because its something youll always have to fall back on. Ive moved from OH to MI to IL. I lived in the big city & tried to make my dreams come true. I went to the best cosmetology school, I have my license in two states & working on a 3rd. I had my own salon in Chicago, small as it was it was still mine. Ive attempted a writing career, singing career & now a career as a stylist & now I am literally back at square one. Its like I dipped my toe in the water, got scared then got it out. I tried but evidently I didnt try hard enough. I was watching a documentary this morning about Selena Gomez, whom I love, even though she is much younger than me & started off in her profession as a child she has soo much ambition & drive & she never stopped, she never gave up. Every time I hit a wall instead of finding a way over under or around it I gave up, walked away & waited to hit the next wall. One of my biggest fears is waisting time. You only live once, you have to get it in now. Im thirty four years old, I came back here to OH to be with my family & for the millionth time I had to rebuild my life. Im already in a pretty ruff financial situation, what if im too old to make another mistake, what if im too broke to take a risk again, what if I hate myself for not trying?

Reasons For Seasons

I was driving down the expressway & contemplating alot of ongoing issues in my life when it began to snow. In that moment all I could think about was how I cant wait for spring to come. I'm typically a winter kind of gal, but Chicago winters are long, hard & seemingly endless. I was working that day, I'm a professional driver for a car service & I had just dropped off a customer at the airport. I was heading home to wait for my next order. As I barreled down the freeway struggling to see beyond the down pour of snowflakes I couldn't help but see the uncanny resemblance that that moment bared to my life. In my mind i thought of myself as going down a long lonely road with no end in sight. I couldn't see beyond my day to day routine to something bigger. I felt as though I had no direction & all my hopes & dreams were at a stand still. the more I think about it now after some time has passed I reminded myself, winter never lasts forever, spring will surely come, the sun will surely rise & set & nothing in life lasts forever. Things always inevitably change whether it be good or bad. I'm still working thru my issues & dealing with turmoil on a daily basis but within that process I'm also becoming stronger & wiser & with that my hope is renewing as is my desire to pursue my dreams. Just as April showers bring May flowers, there is indeed a reason for every season & I cant wait to see what blooms in the near future for me.

All His Children

Last night I watched a couple documentaries. The first was Aileen Wuornos: Life & Death Of A Serial Killer. It was about the serial killer Aileen Wuornos, her hellish existence, court room dramas & her inevitable execution. I was already vaguely aware of her story from watching the Hollywood interpretation of her life in the movie Monster. For those of you who are not familiar with her background she was physically & sexually abused thru out her childhood, had an unplanned pregnancy as a product of this abuse & was kicked out of her home by her "Family" to fend for herself at the age of thirteen. She then lived in the woods in her neighborhood, but after freezing in the cold of winter she decided to move to a warmer climate & chose Florida where she became a drifting prostitute who would end up robbing & killing her johns. I know we cant blame all our issues & mistakes on our childhood tragedies, but speaking from experience they definitely have a hand in shaping the adult you become. If you are a warm blooded human being its impossible to watch this & not feel a certain amount of pity & sympathy for her. In every society Prostitutes are looked upon as less than human. Undeserving of the rights & respect us "Normal" citizens enjoy. Had anyone cared enough to show an ounce of compassion to this young girl before she became a murdering woman I believe whole heartedly that she would have been something more. She didn't have any love or compassion in here life, if your lacking that what does it do to your self worth? If you don't have any self worth or self esteem than you have no respect for yourself or from other people, what options does that leave you with? The other documentary I watched was entitled Whores' Glory. It was an in depth look at the world of prostitution in three different countries & the women's day to day lives & struggles in Thailand, Bangladesh & Mexico. In Thailand the girls would clock in like a regular job then be hoarded into a large glass room, put on display until chosen by their temporary suitors. In Mexico the women were in a seedy area known as The Zone. Its considered a brothel but resembles a run down cheap motel where the girls hang out in the door way of a room as the men creep by slowly in their cars and leer at them like a hungry lion circling its prey. I would have to say that Bangladesh was the worst. The women/girls were in a type of Red Light District with female pimps or madams if you will. None the less violent or aggressive than any man. Once again the girls would stand outside the door of their little rooms, aggressively grabbing passers by & literally dragging them into their rooms as to be shore to have at least one john for the day because there was so much competition. When the girl was successful in acquiring a john she would go to the next room & ask her Mother for a condom. There were children within the brothel, toddlers, children of the "Whores". When their session was done they would wash up in a little blow with used condom & all, take it to the end of the street & pour out the dirty water then be on to the next customer. One of the younger girls comments sparked a flame of anger deep inside me & brought me to tears. She said "I laugh to keep from crying, to cover up the pain I feel inside, we as women suffer, why do we have to suffer so much?". It broke my heart for so many reasons. Why Do we have to experience so much pain as women, physical pain, abuse, emotional pain. I believe in God 100%, do I understand life as it is without question, absolutely not. I ask questions every single day, especially after watching something like this. I prey for understanding so I can continue to have faith in him. If we are all his children...how can he see us in such pain & let it continue? Prostitution is one of the dark subjects that we dont care to contemplate. We dont examine the how & the why, its something that just is. But if we dont question, if we dont ask why then we dont change.

Mysterious Ways

Life is so ironic at times. I'm a professional driver, I work for a car service. Today was supposed to be my day off, but at the last minute my dispatcher asked me to take a 3am trip. In the back of my mind it was the last thing on earth I wanted to do seeing as though it had already been a very trying day for me & also I was running on two & a half hours sleep the past two days. But my desire to be a good employee & make as much money as possible out wayed my exhaustion & I said yes. I had never been to the particular area where I was picking up & I got lost so I stopped at a
7-11 to ask for directions. As I headed back in the right direction I saw a little boy walking down the street leaning over grabbing his throat & his face was kind of red & looked like he had been crying. He looked as if he was between 10-12 & I was thinking to myself, why the hell is a little kid walking down the streets of Chicago at three in the morning? In an instant a million thoughts ran thru my mind. I have to pick up a customer in five minutes, I don't know this kid or what he's in to or whats going on with him, I don't want to get involved cause I've got enough problems of my own, but my actions came down to my final thought. Can I in good conscience leave a little kid on the streets & go on about my day not knowing if he needed help, if he was in danger? My answer was no, so I put the car in reverse & pulled up along side the boy & asked if he was OK. He came up to the car & said no, that he was lost, that he had been throwing up & didn't know where he was. I asked him how he got lost, where he was going & why he was even out there alone in the first place. He just kept saying he was trying to get home & he got lost & he was scared. I had about three minutes until I was to pick up my customer & he was going all the way to the airport. I couldn't just leave this kid, I couldn't be late & I couldn't really take him with me. So I ask if theres anyone I can call to pick him up. He starts to give me a number & then says he forgot the rest. So then he just asked me to call the police. I called the police & they asked where we were so I gave them the street names of the intersection & they asked me to wait with the boy & a squad car would be there in two minutes to pick him up. So I tell the little boy to get in the car to wait for the police. I call my dispatcher while we're waiting to let him know whats going on & he hesitates like he has a problem with what I'm doing, nobody cares, they just want me to get the customer on time. So before I even get off the phone the officer pulls up. The little boy & I get out of the car & walk up to the officer. The officer starts asking the little boy questions & the more questions he asks the more complicated I realize the little boys story is. He had a book bag, he left home in the middle of the night, he rathered me to call the police than his parents, obviously something wasn't right. After I knew he was alright & safe with the officer I got in my car & hauled ass to my pick up. The moral of the story is I know its difficult to get involved when you see someone in trouble because you may not be aware of mitigating circumstances & who wants to put themselves in harms way unnecessarily? But what if I hadn't taken that early morning pick up? What if I hadn't stopped? What if the police hadn't gotten involved? What if no one else had stopped to help him had I not come along? We never know when we may be someones saving grace or ray of light, we never know how God might decide to use us to provide a better day for someone else. The Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways.

Outside Source

I suppose everybody has their off days, men & women alike. I have a tendency to be emotional & a bit of a drama queen, so when I have an off day it wipes me out emotionally & physically. Today happened to have been one of those days. I woke up agitated & full of frustration & those feelings continued to linger on thru out the day. One Major contribution to my crappy mood is my loneliness. Anyone close to me knows I am hopelessly single with no prospects in sight. I suffer from a condition common in women from ages eighteen to forty known as "Keep picking selfish douchebags that dont have a clue itis". To my knowledge the only remedy to this is self awareness, personal growth & knowing what your worth so loneliness doesn't tempt you to settle for less. In the recent past I thought I had reached all these levels & was ready willing & able to move forward. By which I mean able to put my heart on the line & throw the dice down the green felt padded table of love. I was wrong. Lately I have been allowing my loneliness to dominate my every thought which has put me in a very desperate position. Loneliness leads to desperation & desperation can lead to very bad choices. This has left me in a very confused & distraught state of mind. Every happy couple I see makes me feel inadequate, every baby I see is like a dagger thru my heart, every time I drive past a bridal or tuxedo shop it conjures up a longing deep inside me that I just cant shake. Nothing compares to having the warm body of someone you love pressed against you at night as you sleep or someone to share your day with as you enjoy a homemade meal together. I miss those things so much. And as I slowly creep up on turning thirty four years old I have this daunting inescapable feeling that I will never experience these moments again. I should be enough, my love for myself should be enough but as of right now its not. I need that love from an outside source, otherwise known as a husband.

Hold Him Down

I have always been a giver, its just a part of who I am good or bad right or wrong. I think a big part of it stems from the way I was raised. My mom was also a very giving person with a big heart. We knew what it was like to need & have to do without be it shelter, food, transportation, clothes or money. Growing up me my brothers & our mom did without quite often & made the best of what little we had. So now when I know someone that is in need I give without any thought as to what affect it may have on my life, be it time, finances or whatever because I would want someone to do that for me if I were in need & not in a position to do for myself. But when this giving is within the context of a romantic relationship it can cause an issue. Men can quickly mistake your generosity for stupidity & take advantage. My dilemma is what is a respective balance? I don't want to stop giving, especially to my significant other but I also don't want to be trampled on like a door mat & I don't want to change who I am, it makes me feel good to give. I have no problem giving to my man & being there for him but at what point does it get to be too much? I get to a point in a relationship where it seems like I'm the one doing the majority of the giving & I feel slightly cheated. I start to wonder what am I getting out of this, but that thought makes me feel selfish. A relationship shouldn't be tit for tat or some kind of financial & emotional balance sheet or check list. Ideally it should always be give & take. I guess the majority of the men I have dated didn't get the memo on that one : )