Outside Source

I suppose everybody has their off days, men & women alike. I have a tendency to be emotional & a bit of a drama queen, so when I have an off day it wipes me out emotionally & physically. Today happened to have been one of those days. I woke up agitated & full of frustration & those feelings continued to linger on thru out the day. One Major contribution to my crappy mood is my loneliness. Anyone close to me knows I am hopelessly single with no prospects in sight. I suffer from a condition common in women from ages eighteen to forty known as "Keep picking selfish douchebags that dont have a clue itis". To my knowledge the only remedy to this is self awareness, personal growth & knowing what your worth so loneliness doesn't tempt you to settle for less. In the recent past I thought I had reached all these levels & was ready willing & able to move forward. By which I mean able to put my heart on the line & throw the dice down the green felt padded table of love. I was wrong. Lately I have been allowing my loneliness to dominate my every thought which has put me in a very desperate position. Loneliness leads to desperation & desperation can lead to very bad choices. This has left me in a very confused & distraught state of mind. Every happy couple I see makes me feel inadequate, every baby I see is like a dagger thru my heart, every time I drive past a bridal or tuxedo shop it conjures up a longing deep inside me that I just cant shake. Nothing compares to having the warm body of someone you love pressed against you at night as you sleep or someone to share your day with as you enjoy a homemade meal together. I miss those things so much. And as I slowly creep up on turning thirty four years old I have this daunting inescapable feeling that I will never experience these moments again. I should be enough, my love for myself should be enough but as of right now its not. I need that love from an outside source, otherwise known as a husband.