Mysterious Ways

Life is so ironic at times. I'm a professional driver, I work for a car service. Today was supposed to be my day off, but at the last minute my dispatcher asked me to take a 3am trip. In the back of my mind it was the last thing on earth I wanted to do seeing as though it had already been a very trying day for me & also I was running on two & a half hours sleep the past two days. But my desire to be a good employee & make as much money as possible out wayed my exhaustion & I said yes. I had never been to the particular area where I was picking up & I got lost so I stopped at a
7-11 to ask for directions. As I headed back in the right direction I saw a little boy walking down the street leaning over grabbing his throat & his face was kind of red & looked like he had been crying. He looked as if he was between 10-12 & I was thinking to myself, why the hell is a little kid walking down the streets of Chicago at three in the morning? In an instant a million thoughts ran thru my mind. I have to pick up a customer in five minutes, I don't know this kid or what he's in to or whats going on with him, I don't want to get involved cause I've got enough problems of my own, but my actions came down to my final thought. Can I in good conscience leave a little kid on the streets & go on about my day not knowing if he needed help, if he was in danger? My answer was no, so I put the car in reverse & pulled up along side the boy & asked if he was OK. He came up to the car & said no, that he was lost, that he had been throwing up & didn't know where he was. I asked him how he got lost, where he was going & why he was even out there alone in the first place. He just kept saying he was trying to get home & he got lost & he was scared. I had about three minutes until I was to pick up my customer & he was going all the way to the airport. I couldn't just leave this kid, I couldn't be late & I couldn't really take him with me. So I ask if theres anyone I can call to pick him up. He starts to give me a number & then says he forgot the rest. So then he just asked me to call the police. I called the police & they asked where we were so I gave them the street names of the intersection & they asked me to wait with the boy & a squad car would be there in two minutes to pick him up. So I tell the little boy to get in the car to wait for the police. I call my dispatcher while we're waiting to let him know whats going on & he hesitates like he has a problem with what I'm doing, nobody cares, they just want me to get the customer on time. So before I even get off the phone the officer pulls up. The little boy & I get out of the car & walk up to the officer. The officer starts asking the little boy questions & the more questions he asks the more complicated I realize the little boys story is. He had a book bag, he left home in the middle of the night, he rathered me to call the police than his parents, obviously something wasn't right. After I knew he was alright & safe with the officer I got in my car & hauled ass to my pick up. The moral of the story is I know its difficult to get involved when you see someone in trouble because you may not be aware of mitigating circumstances & who wants to put themselves in harms way unnecessarily? But what if I hadn't taken that early morning pick up? What if I hadn't stopped? What if the police hadn't gotten involved? What if no one else had stopped to help him had I not come along? We never know when we may be someones saving grace or ray of light, we never know how God might decide to use us to provide a better day for someone else. The Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways.

Outside Source

I suppose everybody has their off days, men & women alike. I have a tendency to be emotional & a bit of a drama queen, so when I have an off day it wipes me out emotionally & physically. Today happened to have been one of those days. I woke up agitated & full of frustration & those feelings continued to linger on thru out the day. One Major contribution to my crappy mood is my loneliness. Anyone close to me knows I am hopelessly single with no prospects in sight. I suffer from a condition common in women from ages eighteen to forty known as "Keep picking selfish douchebags that dont have a clue itis". To my knowledge the only remedy to this is self awareness, personal growth & knowing what your worth so loneliness doesn't tempt you to settle for less. In the recent past I thought I had reached all these levels & was ready willing & able to move forward. By which I mean able to put my heart on the line & throw the dice down the green felt padded table of love. I was wrong. Lately I have been allowing my loneliness to dominate my every thought which has put me in a very desperate position. Loneliness leads to desperation & desperation can lead to very bad choices. This has left me in a very confused & distraught state of mind. Every happy couple I see makes me feel inadequate, every baby I see is like a dagger thru my heart, every time I drive past a bridal or tuxedo shop it conjures up a longing deep inside me that I just cant shake. Nothing compares to having the warm body of someone you love pressed against you at night as you sleep or someone to share your day with as you enjoy a homemade meal together. I miss those things so much. And as I slowly creep up on turning thirty four years old I have this daunting inescapable feeling that I will never experience these moments again. I should be enough, my love for myself should be enough but as of right now its not. I need that love from an outside source, otherwise known as a husband.

Hold Him Down

I have always been a giver, its just a part of who I am good or bad right or wrong. I think a big part of it stems from the way I was raised. My mom was also a very giving person with a big heart. We knew what it was like to need & have to do without be it shelter, food, transportation, clothes or money. Growing up me my brothers & our mom did without quite often & made the best of what little we had. So now when I know someone that is in need I give without any thought as to what affect it may have on my life, be it time, finances or whatever because I would want someone to do that for me if I were in need & not in a position to do for myself. But when this giving is within the context of a romantic relationship it can cause an issue. Men can quickly mistake your generosity for stupidity & take advantage. My dilemma is what is a respective balance? I don't want to stop giving, especially to my significant other but I also don't want to be trampled on like a door mat & I don't want to change who I am, it makes me feel good to give. I have no problem giving to my man & being there for him but at what point does it get to be too much? I get to a point in a relationship where it seems like I'm the one doing the majority of the giving & I feel slightly cheated. I start to wonder what am I getting out of this, but that thought makes me feel selfish. A relationship shouldn't be tit for tat or some kind of financial & emotional balance sheet or check list. Ideally it should always be give & take. I guess the majority of the men I have dated didn't get the memo on that one : )

When will the color fade?

I was speaking to a friend of mine yesterday who's of Indian decent. He went out for a walk as he does most everyday. I asked him how his walk was & he told me that a few white guys in a truck yelled out racist remarks at him as they were driving by. I apologized because I know how it feels. Any brown person in this country knows what it feels like to be at the receiving end of racial outbursts. I'm quite confident in saying that more than likely just about every minority in this country could recall a particular moment of being the victim of racism & I'm no different. There is one particular instance that stands out for me. When I was eighteen I was walking to a Burger King across the street from my home. As I was standing in the turning lane to cross the street a red pick-up truck passed with a few white guys in it. One of them spit on me thru the window & called me a Nigger. Its amazing how a person can break another persons spirit with a single act & a single word. I continued on to Burger King but instead of getting something to eat I rushed to the bathroom to wash my face & sit in one of the stalls for a cry. As I sat there with tear after tear rolling down my face I asked myself what did I do? At that time in my life I was Extremely naive. My brother was married to a white woman, my niece was bi-racial, and my very first boyfriend would end up being a white guy from Russia, so I didn't see color. As many things as there are that I dislike about every nationality/race there are an equal amount that I embrace & adore. I'm not going to give some useless speech of how we should all just love one another & get along for the greater good. Slavery ended hundreds of years ago & there is still no solidarity between blacks & whites or whites & any other minority for that matter. America is supposed to be one of the greatest countries in the world but why? Sure we are economically better off than some countries we consider to be third world but we still have a very long way to go socially. I don't really even think of being an American & what that means until its brought to my attention. Being an "African American" its even more confusing & complex to me. My ancestors didn't come here seeking refuge from other countries & sub-standard living conditions. We were brought here against our will & forced into slavery. Are we as blacks expected to harbor the same level of patriotism as our white counterparts who's ancestors chose this land to be their home? Even though we are consistently ostracized & reminded of our differences does America as a whole expect us to be loyal? It is my belief that loyalty stems from a certain amount of respect & respect has to be given in order to be received. Until people can realize this & open their minds to a broader & more understanding plateau of thinking our colors & differences will stand out as boldly as the colors on our flag that supposedly unites us & we will continue to be divided.

Love = Happiness?

I have always been a free spirited woman with an open mind, especially when it comes to dating & relationships. I started dating at eighteen years old. I have been in love about six times. I have a tendency to fall in love rather easily because I always see the good in people & I over look the bad things. Out of these six love affairs only one of them resulted in marriage but also ended in divorce. These men at their best supported me in my career choice, at times provided for me financially, took me places I had never been, showed me things I had never seen & picked me up when I was down. All the things you would expect a "Good Man" to do in a relationship. But at their worse they showed no patience when I was attempting to cope with personal issues, tossed me aside when I became an inconvenience, expected  me to fit into a little box that they had complete control over & rarely made me their number one priority. I could only over look their short comings for so long before i had to come to terms with reality & put my needs first. When your a kid your parents are supposed to be there for you & support you & love you but that's not always the case. When you become an adult we're told that a man will come swooping in like prince charming & rescue us & love us but that's not always the case either. Love does absolutely equal happiness, but not external love. Its the love you hopefully find & recognize in yourself for yourself that will last a life time & carry you thru forever. If you are blessed & lucky enough to have true & unconditional love from others consider it a bonus.

Keep Dreaming

When I was a little girl I Loved Mariah Carey. That was back when MTV was fresh & new & actually played music videos. Whenever one of her videos came on I would grab a hairbrush or remote control, what ever was within reach & resembled a microphone. I would stand there in front of the TV & sing my little heart out. I was just nine or ten years old but I knew one thing for sure, I wanted to sing & I wanted to be famous. I wanted everyone under the sun to know my name, I wanted everyone to love me. Perhaps to compensate for the love that was lacking at home. As we grow, age, mature & evolve so do our dreams & our motivation to pursue them. On one hand you close your eyes & you see glitz & glamour, people snapping pictures of you, fans lining up just to get a glimpse of you or shake your hand. But when you wake up & open your eyes all that's there is hampers of dirty laundry, bills that need to be paid, a job you hate & all the bullshit in between that makes up day to day life. You begin to wonder how on earth am I supposed to get there from here? So you start small, you make little attempts here & there, throw a line in the water so to speak & see if you get any nibbles. But low & behold nothing happens. Now come self doubt & all your insecurities giving you excuse after excuse of why you should just leave these silly childhood fantasies behind & fall back down to reality. Even though your family & friends believe in & support you you don't have any faith in yourself. Fear inevitably follows, not fear that your dreams wont come true but the fear that they possibly could. Because if your dreams come to fruition you have to step up to the plate & deliver, so you begin to question your talent. Am I really good enough? Will everybody love me? I am all to aware of the feelings I just mentioned & a few additional ones. I have been chasing my dreams for the last fourteen years. Music, Fashion, Hair & most recently Writing. I finished writing my first book a few months ago. A week or so before Christmas I sent it off to a dozen literary agents, another line dropped in the water. Today I received my very first rejection letter via email. For a moment I took it personal & got emotional as us women have a tendency to do. But then my best friend put the situation into perspective for me. She said everyone who is the greatest in whatever field they excel in has at one point in their career faced rejection. That made me realize what makes you great is not your talent, its also your ability to make others recognize & see the greatness within you.

Jersey Shore Whore

I happen to be an avid watcher of the television show Jersey Shore. I have watched just about every season. Many people would probably be embarrassed to admit that but I'm not. Its entertaining, disgusting & a complete embarrassment to me as an American & a woman but non the less entertaining. With every episode & each  sexual conquest I get more & more disgusted. I try not to pass judgement on others no matter how wrong he or she may be in my opinion, but come on. Snooki hooks up with Vinny, Vinny hooks up with Snooki's best friend Ryder, Snooki cheats on her boyfriend with who ever is within reach. We categorize sex in such a casual manor, "Hooking Up" as if its something you do like shaking hands. Shouldn't love making be one of the most respectful loving acts that us human beings participate in? How us women have cheapened ourselves. Fifty to sixty years ago the norm was marriage, sex, kids. Now its kiss random person in bar, take them home & "Hook Up', tomorrow night on to the next. Perhaps our casual attitude as women today has contributed to men's non chalant attitude towards commitment & marriage. I wont lie, believe me I've had my fun, I've had my meaningless dalliances with the opposite sex & at times with the same sex. At the time I didn't feel I wasn't respecting myself, I was just looking for love. That was my justification for my actions. Some men believe that respectable women cherish their bodies & are only willing to share them with men who respect & love them, but how do you know? Every man I've ever slept with has been respectful & quick to declare their love for me in the beginning. Otherwise I wouldn't have given them the time of day. By time you realize that sex is all their after its too late. I have been dating since I was eighteen years old & now I am thirty three & I have tried everything to gain men's approval. The truth is more often than not the sooner I slept with a guy the longer the relationship lasted. My first committed relationship we slept together on the first date & we stayed together for two years. Where as in a more recent relationship I made it a point to get to know him as a friend. We waited months to have sex, we were together for over a year then he left me for someone else who he is engaged to. This could all be sheer coincidence, after all in my opinion everything to do with adult romantic relationships is a gamble anyway. Although to ensure the odds lean in my favor I am never honest with a guy when he asks how many people I've slept with. I don't do this to spare their fragile little egos, I do it so I have a better chance of him treating me with respect & seeing me as a possible candidate for a long term committed relationship & not just write me off as a slut. As adults we should all be aware of the double standard that exists between men & women when it comes to promiscuity. I appreciate the idea that my body is to be held at a hire standard than a mans, but why shouldn't men's bodies be considered just as precious & sacred? He can go out & sleep with every Catie Linda & Becky & that makes him the biggest stud/pimp but if I sleep with every Tom Dick & Harry I'm just a whore not to be given a second glance, unless your horny.

Liar Liar

Something I have observed as an adult is that it is almost never a good idea to speak your mind or be honest. Every time I've done this its gotten me into trouble, whether it be work, friendships or romantic involvements. When your a child your taught that you should always tell the truth, honesty is the best policy, the truth shall set you free! All of that in itself is a lie! No one wants to hear the truth, because once they do they get upset. You could be casually sharing your thoughts, venting to a Friend, but the automatic response I get is what did I do? If its an employer God for bid you should tell them whats wrong with your job, your co-workers or the work place itself. That's an instant cause for dismissal. Just smile, laugh & suck it up. But how long can one be expected to do that? How long can one hate their job but still be expected go into work everyday with a smile on their face because they have to? How long can one stay in a relationship being unhappy & be expected to hold their tongue as to not rock the boat or upset their significant other? To me its like we're a world of liars walking around on egg shells to spare other peoples feelings. I have a real love hate relationship with honesty. On one hand I like to be honest to & with others because I like to know Everything before I make a decision about Anything. But on the other hand, at least in personal relationships id much rather be lied to. Don't tell me you love me but only want to be friends only to dump me later on cause you found the love of your life. Don't tell me how amazing of a woman I am only to follow it up with But.....
Don't tell me we're best friends but not be there for me when I need you most. Thinking about this makes me think of one of my favorite Sheryl Crow songs "Man Enough". "lie to me, I promise ill believe, lie to me but please don't leave.

You dont have to agree...

Earlier today I was having a heated debate with my Ex-Husband. We were discussing guns & violence which of course is a big topic in the media these days. His position is that since the right to bear arms is in the Constitution that everyone should exercise this right. He says that he doesn't like to feel defenseless & having the right to own a gun makes him feel safer & able to protect himself against harm even though he himself does not own a gun. I am completely & utterly against guns. If it were up to me it would not exist in the constitution & the only people allowed to have guns would be the police & the military. I am aware there is a huge market & a huge black market for firearms. So things have gone way too far for the possibility of a gun less society. One of my strongest & most simple arguments in this debate was that when there are no guns involved everyone has a chance at survival, when there are guns...somebodies bound to die. In any situation if you feel threatened there are a million & one things you can use as a weapon & multiple ways to defend yourself & more than likely everybody lives to see another day. My Ex is a forty four year old man, since he has been of age to legally carry a firearm he has never found himself in a situation or confrontation that would warrant him needing one. I have however been in a situation where some may have preferred to have a weapon. When I was twenty four I was dating a drug dealer, we got robbed & I had a gun held to my head. If you follow my Ex-Husbands logic then had I a gun on me we would have walked away safe & sound?? Nooo....quite the contrary, I walked away from that situation safe & sound because I was unarmed. Had I reached for something all the guy would have to do is pull the trigger & I would have been gone. Having been in that situation I still don't feel the need to carry a gun or have one in my home. I am a woman yes, I could very easily be attacked anywhere at any given moment yes, does that scare me? Hell no! I'm not afraid of men I'm not afraid of women I'm not afraid of guns, I'm not afraid of anything. Life sucks sometimes & is extremely unpredictable, people will find themselves in threatening situations. The answer is not to arm every citizen with a gun so we can all kill each other, the answer is that there is no easy solution to this problem. In any given situation you do what you can to protect yourself, your loved ones, or in some cases a total stranger & you hope to live to see another day. And when you see another you embrace it, thank God for it, be grateful & carry on.